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Animal poem 3: Eye to eye with an elephant






















Photo: Jaimie Parker

I have always suspected that elephants were very intelligent but I didn't realise quite how intelligent until I confronted one properly in the Kruger park a few years ago. The way it looked at me I felt quite boorish.


I looked at an elephant
And the bastard looked back at me

"Whatcher looking at elephant?"

"Nothing much," it said

"Hey," I said.
"I'm the one who looks at elephants.
Don't you eyeball me."
I've seen that look before.

Let me think.
Where, exactly?

An tall old white lady
Coming out of High and Mighty,
She looked at my gamboling infants underfoot
Then looked at me and said:

"Get those brats out of my way""

In cut glass vowls.
And tinkling consonants.

"What's your problem," I replied.
"To me they're cute."

I came to this park. I paid.
You're here for my amusement.

Elephant.

Let's get that straight.

"Yeah you're big,
But I'll do the sizing up here,

Mate. "

Now, where have I seen that look before?
I think it was. Maybe. Yes.

The last time I was drunk at a party and enjoying a little excess
I grabbed this girl and danced with her
Said I fancied her and vomited on her dress.

Turned out she was getting married the next day.
Her fiancee looked at me just the way
You are looking at me now.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Well, how was I to know?

"Hey you, elephant!
Want to start something?
Think you're hard enough."
Listen to my monkey chants.
From the other side of that electrified fence.

"Watcher going to do about it,
Elephant?"

The elephant looked at me

"Up yours!"

It said.

Then went.
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