My darling Mum,
By the time you read this, I will have talked to you on the phone, to explain why I cannot come to Europe. I know hearing is difficult, so this letter, an ‘email’ via the Rolets, is to make sure you fully understand.
I am so, so sorry that I cannot be with you and Heini for the birthday. (It also means we cannot be in London afterwards, to celebrate To’s 70th birthday with the family there). The important thing now is for you and Heini to be together in Munich for the celebrations, with Rose no doubt being a good hostess, and with one of your grandsons to help you with the flights.
I’m sure I will be able to come over with To, to spend a week or more with you in Golfe some time later in the year.
It is NOT a medical crisis or a big downturn in my condition. But it is a serious caution against overtiredness, and long journeys, particularly flights. I saw my cancer specialist, Doctor Neethling, the day after we returned from the Kruger Park, and he said the blood test showed that my white-cell count is low. It is not dangerously so, but it does make me more vulnerable to infections, particularly of the kind you can get on flights.
He says that otherwise, tests so far show that I am responding positively to the recent six months of chemo-pill therapy treatment, which I finished about two weeks ago. In other words, so far it looks as if the cancer growth has been halted for now, or slowed down, in the two places where it is, the Uterus area, and the Liver. Further tests are to follow, to keep track of progress.
That is as good a news as we can hope for, but if my recovery is to continue smoothly, he says I must carry on with a normal but quiet domestic routine at home with To. That means the usual daily round, a bit of gardening, walking about, cooking, occasional trips to town, and to visit and be visited by friends as usual. But not be tempted into anything strenuous…It has been so lovely having the family, who are all very helpful these days, and occasional such visits are a therapy in themselves.
So what is my condition? What are my prospects? I know that you, as a loving mother, often want to ask those questions. I will answer them now, as frankly and fully as I know myself.
I asked Neethling those same questions not long ago. His reply, to summarise, was along the following lines:
“I am not clairvoyant. I cannot tell you how the cancer will go, and what your prospects are. I know that in cases similar to yours, advanced as you are, it was common until recently to give patients a year or two more, in life expectancy – but nowadays the assessments of life expectancy in such cases can be in terms of several more years, maybe five, even ten. This is because drugs and treatments are improving constantly, and the talk nowadays is of some patients ‘living with cancer’ rather than dying of it; as they commonly say that these days people can ‘live with HIV’ rather than die of AIDS.”
The doctor said also that my strong and positive attitude to life made a difference to my chances – he has known quite a few women, younger than me, who just gave up.
So, there could be years ahead of us – we don’t take it for granted at all, but that’s the way To and I like to look at it. I must say I do feel positive, despite the aches and pains, the tiredness – who wouldn’t, with such a large and lovely family, from 96 to 8 years old, all within reach, and this wonderful place to live, close together with my husband, and helpful staff and friends nearby?
And friends and family are saying – and I think you would agree Mum darling – that I am looking well, quite shiny eyes, not tired looking – and good hair – it didn’t fall out this time as you know!!
And it is important to me that this is the way you and all the family see me, and our lives, as something positive, to be enjoyed and lived as fully as we can, whatever time is left to us.
And you, did I tell you lately, Mum, how proud I am of you? A living example of an energetic and positive attitude to life, doing your best to keep well, and very caring of all your huge family! It is wonderful to note how well and organised you have settled back in to the flat, with your good friends around to look in and offer so much help – my fond love to those lovely people, Gabriel and Marguerite, Valerie and Astrid.
It is very comforting for me to know they are there, and that you are reasonably comfortable and safe. It must be great to have your eyes back again properly – don’t forget you probably need reading glasses.
I would also be very comforted to know that you will be making good use in the future of your grandsons’ and their families’ readiness to visit you for a few days about once a month or every six weeks, to give you family comfort and support, so you are not fully dependent on friends, kind as they are.
The idea, as we have outlined to you and to them, is that any two, say husband and wife, or parent and older child, come down to spend two or three nights in your spare room, once a month or every six weeks, take you out, help in any way you need.
I can imagine that the idea may make you nervous, because you are used to hosting them, looking after them, tidying up after them and so on. But it will be different in future – you can enjoy a helpful Carmen, Jess or Alice, get to know the interesting teenagers, Natalie, Lucy, or Chicks, and so on, one by one, when each comes with a parent.
So Mum, since I will not be with you for several months, and then only for a fairly short visit, please be ready to switch your ideas of occasional family support to the younger generations. I know you have things pretty well organised already, but family company and support will be important occasionally. I worry about you a lot, and it helps me to know there can be a family support system from London.
And please do remember that the plan is for you to pay up front for their plane tickets, which is basically, two cheap EasyJet return tickets, booked in advance about once every five weeks. That would be about 200 Euros a month to set aside. Believe me, I would be very, very upset if I inherit money from you that should have gone to paying for such tickets!! Because I care a lot more about you having family care when necessary!
And remember darling, if anything happened to me, To would be there, ready to be helpful as he has been for many years, if and when you may need him.
All my love from your loving
Eveschen xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
To joins me in this letter and in sending lots of love.
By the time you read this, I will have talked to you on the phone, to explain why I cannot come to Europe. I know hearing is difficult, so this letter, an ‘email’ via the Rolets, is to make sure you fully understand.
I am so, so sorry that I cannot be with you and Heini for the birthday. (It also means we cannot be in London afterwards, to celebrate To’s 70th birthday with the family there). The important thing now is for you and Heini to be together in Munich for the celebrations, with Rose no doubt being a good hostess, and with one of your grandsons to help you with the flights.
I’m sure I will be able to come over with To, to spend a week or more with you in Golfe some time later in the year.
It is NOT a medical crisis or a big downturn in my condition. But it is a serious caution against overtiredness, and long journeys, particularly flights. I saw my cancer specialist, Doctor Neethling, the day after we returned from the Kruger Park, and he said the blood test showed that my white-cell count is low. It is not dangerously so, but it does make me more vulnerable to infections, particularly of the kind you can get on flights.
He says that otherwise, tests so far show that I am responding positively to the recent six months of chemo-pill therapy treatment, which I finished about two weeks ago. In other words, so far it looks as if the cancer growth has been halted for now, or slowed down, in the two places where it is, the Uterus area, and the Liver. Further tests are to follow, to keep track of progress.
That is as good a news as we can hope for, but if my recovery is to continue smoothly, he says I must carry on with a normal but quiet domestic routine at home with To. That means the usual daily round, a bit of gardening, walking about, cooking, occasional trips to town, and to visit and be visited by friends as usual. But not be tempted into anything strenuous…It has been so lovely having the family, who are all very helpful these days, and occasional such visits are a therapy in themselves.
So what is my condition? What are my prospects? I know that you, as a loving mother, often want to ask those questions. I will answer them now, as frankly and fully as I know myself.
I asked Neethling those same questions not long ago. His reply, to summarise, was along the following lines:
“I am not clairvoyant. I cannot tell you how the cancer will go, and what your prospects are. I know that in cases similar to yours, advanced as you are, it was common until recently to give patients a year or two more, in life expectancy – but nowadays the assessments of life expectancy in such cases can be in terms of several more years, maybe five, even ten. This is because drugs and treatments are improving constantly, and the talk nowadays is of some patients ‘living with cancer’ rather than dying of it; as they commonly say that these days people can ‘live with HIV’ rather than die of AIDS.”
The doctor said also that my strong and positive attitude to life made a difference to my chances – he has known quite a few women, younger than me, who just gave up.
So, there could be years ahead of us – we don’t take it for granted at all, but that’s the way To and I like to look at it. I must say I do feel positive, despite the aches and pains, the tiredness – who wouldn’t, with such a large and lovely family, from 96 to 8 years old, all within reach, and this wonderful place to live, close together with my husband, and helpful staff and friends nearby?
And friends and family are saying – and I think you would agree Mum darling – that I am looking well, quite shiny eyes, not tired looking – and good hair – it didn’t fall out this time as you know!!
And it is important to me that this is the way you and all the family see me, and our lives, as something positive, to be enjoyed and lived as fully as we can, whatever time is left to us.
And you, did I tell you lately, Mum, how proud I am of you? A living example of an energetic and positive attitude to life, doing your best to keep well, and very caring of all your huge family! It is wonderful to note how well and organised you have settled back in to the flat, with your good friends around to look in and offer so much help – my fond love to those lovely people, Gabriel and Marguerite, Valerie and Astrid.
It is very comforting for me to know they are there, and that you are reasonably comfortable and safe. It must be great to have your eyes back again properly – don’t forget you probably need reading glasses.
I would also be very comforted to know that you will be making good use in the future of your grandsons’ and their families’ readiness to visit you for a few days about once a month or every six weeks, to give you family comfort and support, so you are not fully dependent on friends, kind as they are.
The idea, as we have outlined to you and to them, is that any two, say husband and wife, or parent and older child, come down to spend two or three nights in your spare room, once a month or every six weeks, take you out, help in any way you need.
I can imagine that the idea may make you nervous, because you are used to hosting them, looking after them, tidying up after them and so on. But it will be different in future – you can enjoy a helpful Carmen, Jess or Alice, get to know the interesting teenagers, Natalie, Lucy, or Chicks, and so on, one by one, when each comes with a parent.
So Mum, since I will not be with you for several months, and then only for a fairly short visit, please be ready to switch your ideas of occasional family support to the younger generations. I know you have things pretty well organised already, but family company and support will be important occasionally. I worry about you a lot, and it helps me to know there can be a family support system from London.
And please do remember that the plan is for you to pay up front for their plane tickets, which is basically, two cheap EasyJet return tickets, booked in advance about once every five weeks. That would be about 200 Euros a month to set aside. Believe me, I would be very, very upset if I inherit money from you that should have gone to paying for such tickets!! Because I care a lot more about you having family care when necessary!
And remember darling, if anything happened to me, To would be there, ready to be helpful as he has been for many years, if and when you may need him.
All my love from your loving
Eveschen xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
To joins me in this letter and in sending lots of love.
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