I went out with a sweet, blond Intourist guide who was 20, a little younger than I was at the time. She decided it would be very romantic to go to Vasilievsky island in the Neva in Leningrad and wait for the bridges to rise, separating us from the mainland.
She didn't tell me what she planned. It must have been an idea inspired by a romantic film she had watched. We are on the island, it's evening, and she surprises me:
'We are stuck on the island together all night. The bridges are up. Isn't this romantic?'
And I think. 'How sweet. And then: It's bloody cold...And then: I really want to pee.' and I so, after congratulating her on her sense of humour and romance, I ask her: 'Is there a toilet nearby?
'Toilet!' she says. 'You are ruining it. A toilet? Now?'
'Yes I have to go.' I said.
She is very annoyed. There is no toilet.
I try to hold it in but I can't, so I say. 'I am really, really sorry Olga, but I just have to pee.'
The poster Olga is next to says: "The creative union of the higher schools
and production in the service of the five year plan."
We are wandering round and find a large old building with white walls. Was a cathedral? A palace? It was dark and I could see no one. So I walk up to a wall, next to bushes, and Olga goes off into the shadow of the trees, by the road, disgusted.
I am peeing. It's a relief. Thank God. Finally.
The headlights of a car turn on. They shine right at me lighting up the wall and the building. It's a police car and two cops get out and grab me by the arms.
I hear them: 'We are going to take you to the drunk tank, they say.'
'But I am a foreigner. I just had to take a piss.'
'Think it's funny pissing on our national monuments do you?'
And I say, 'No, not at all. It's not funny at all. Of course not'
My Russian kicks in and its is fluent and perfectly accented for the first time.
'I am here with my girlfriend. She thought it would be romantic for us to get stranded on this island and I had to take a piss. Come on. It's human. You understand. What else could I do?'
'We don't give a shit. One of them said. You are coming with us and where's your prostitute girlfriend.'
She's not a prostitute, I said.
At this point Olga stepped into the light. They let me go.
'Step over there to one side.' she said to me, in a low controlled voice.
I did and from about ten yards away I see her say something to the two cops in a low voice and show them an ID card of some kind.
They practically salute. Jump into the car without saying another word, spin the car round and drive off quickly.
And Olga turns round to me, furious. 'You absolute idiot.' She says.
And we were stuck together on that freezing island till dawn and she only allowed me to cuddle her when the sun came up.
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